last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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