Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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