We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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