I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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