i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
