6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to sanitize my soul.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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