Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
