I puked a lego.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
