I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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