so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
