I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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