i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
