The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
