and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
