My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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