i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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