Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
