Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
