that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When are your genitals available?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
