and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
