I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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