I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
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