Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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