i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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