he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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