I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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