Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
