Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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