Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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