i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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