Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
