she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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