tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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