I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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