also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
