in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
