Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
