we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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