In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
