Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The struggles of a small town man whore
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
