I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
