guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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