Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
