i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
