My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
