nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
