When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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