I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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