I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
