yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
